Monday, September 28, 2009

Choose Your Own Ivy Adventure

1. It’s two in the afternoon on a Monday. You are…

a) Industriously working at your chosen profession with an honest earnestness that sickens all those around you, and makes them want to stab you, a lot.

b) Working with the full awareness that every moment you spend in your chosen work environment is eroding- nay, raping your soul, in a way that makes all moneys received a form of especially degrading form of spiritual prostitution. You sicken yourself.

c) Sleeping on your couch, literally sick from what might be a sinus infection, or a brain tumor, or a manifestation of your own growing hypochondria. You long for the sweet release of death, or ibuprofen.

2. The doorbell rings. After regaining the ability to stand, you…

a) Answer the door in a prompt and courteous manner which indicates that you are, above all else, a civilized and respectable human being, no matter how plugged up your sinuses may be.

b) Cower in your bedroom, unable to face humanity in your current deplorable state. Your puppies gaze at you, judgingly.

c) Answer the door wearing full-body pink flannel pyjamas, after looking through the blinds to ensure that your visitor is neither Greenpeace or Mormon. Greet your Puralator delivery man with a smile, and only then realize that there are drool stains caked along your chin. Accept the package with a joke about how obviously productive your day has been. Retreat to your puppies. Cry.

3. Inside the large cardboard box, you are delighted to find that thing you ordered weeks ago…

a) About $200 worth of free publications from the Canadian government, which you have no real use for, but which are free and satisfy your intense love of getting packages in the mail (and which often come with bubble wrap, which is handy for lots of stuff, and so much fun to pop!)

b) ‘Why the world is a horrible place and is now dying of an illness from which it will never recover, and how it could have been prevented if you’d all just listened to the authors ten years ago, but you didn’t, and now we’re fucked - A Comprehensive Guidebook’

a) ‘Primed’ - a sexually explicit picture book outlining safer sex techniques for trans men "and the men who dig them," though you yourself belong to neither category. You will later lay this book on your coffee table in an attempt to traumatize visiting relatives, with much success.

d) All of the above.

...You win. Or you lose. Really, there's no difference.